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I really am too nice.

Posted on 2006.07.20 at 01:03
I dont want to talk about it.
thats the last thing I want.
why'd you make me talk about it.
why to you.

ugh stop right there, you dont love me.
you wont.
I wont let you.
you dont know me.
I wont let you.
you can go away now.
why are you still here.

apparantly I look as if I need love.

no thanks.

My heart doesnt have any area not already scarred...you are too late sir. turn around.

words of wisdom...
you do not love me, you just met me, you love the idea of loving me. I just smiply am the first person you happen to see when you were dreaming of love. and I sir, am not a dream, I am a nighmare, belive me.

you do not "make love" to someone you have just met. you fuck someone you just met. you must first love to make love.

I say maybe when I do not want to tell the truth.

I say maybe often.

mostly, because I am too nice to tell you what I am really thinking.

who knows what I want.
all I know is it is nothing that i'm neither getting nor have gotten...

all I hope for is that you dont ruin the one thing I have made habit and come to enjoy and look forward to...

i need to tell the truth.
I tried, but I do not believe it came out right.

ugh, I give up.

back into my drunken hole.

however, I move soon, too soon. and school starts soon after that.
oh my...
guess it'll be a week binge.
just go away.



Posted on 2006.07.08 at 06:30
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: moneen
today, I babysat the twin boys that I have regularly babysit for, for quite some time now. they make me smile in their simplistic happiness everytime I see them. I only wish I had that ability.
I get many eskimo kisses and hugs everytime I'm there, which I guess doesn't seem like much. but it means alot to me.
and today, as I left, I asked one of them to come up to the deck from the back yard and say good bye to me. He did as he was told, and with him he brought me "a pretty flower for Miss jenn" how cute?
who does that anymore?
only my little ian. :)
how did he know that was one of my requests for a good man, that he brings me a single flower, picked himself.
that kept me smiling ...even at the lobster.

my goal=





If only everyone would read my mind and we could skip this conversation.

Posted on 2006.04.21 at 01:09
Current Location: my apt...damnit
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: AAR
Why didn't I just say yes.

yes to everything.

yes yes yes...

why am I not at the masq tonight?

hmmm i can answer that.

because Im safe.


conversation 5 minutes ago

David "jenn, why am I home alone right now? Im too hot to be home on a thursday night."

Me "so you call me, because Ill be home...thanks."

yes hes a cocky bastard, but oddly hes my best friend and I wouldnt change him.

but it is proof that I am safe.

too safe I believe.


Ill always be the dd, and on the random occasion I myself have one...ill get pulled over and get a ticket. and Ill play safe and admit to everything.

I go to court thursday.

I still haven't been drinking...

because I'm SAFE.

you make me nervous...so ill just be safe and avoid you.

and when what I want is right here begging...ill just look away, because its a risk.

My concience is eating away at me...and I don't think anyone else would even flinch.

I think i have an overly attentive conceince...

I think too much...

I think way far ahead..and stop myself before doing anything that might actually be fun.

when did I become a soccer mom wannabe.

Id much rather be the milf that drinks by the pool...

and that...is the story of my life.

Ill just sit here and wish...because It's safer than doing it...and that is what I do.



I seriously dont get it.
why are you a freaking idiot.
I smile at you, and speak to you not because I truly care about how your day is, or because i give a shit in general about you, or because I think you are hot stuff...but because I HAVE TO. it just so happens to be my shitty ass job to be nice to you.
DONT hit on me.
I dont like you.
I dont want you to touch me.
I dont want to give you my number.
and I especially dont want to tell you when I get off work. you crazy ass freak.
I dont want to be there to begin with, dont make it harder.
thats just akward.
smiling and nodding didnt even work. damn.
sad thing, ths happened more than once, today alone.
Do I look like a hooters girl?
Do I look in any way inviting?
Hooters is down the road sir...have fun.

I officially hate people.

I will finally be training to be a waitress next week...
maybe I won't quit after all.
and maybe I'll flirt back with these assholes if they tip me. lol.
oh, im a bitch.

other than that...

Spent the weekend smiling.

good times indeed.

fri night saw alot of old friends...it ended up not being akward and actually made up with *crazy* old roomate. who I had not spoken to since the huge fight/cops/akward move out. I really love everyone I spent time with, it was a spectacular night of cheap bowing, shoe stealing and video games/ cheesey fries. Lots o laughs. I need more of these nights. I missed those kids. the ones who I ignored because they were straight edge, but now that means the world to me. that means they cant say they did something horible because they were fucked up. because they arent. if they do anything, which is rare, they simply appoligize and sing me a song.I knew I was missing something.

I spent the whole weekend with my family starting sat, we went on the boat on alatoona. I missed it. It was around 4 when we settled down in a cove and I sat uptop to read, in a skirt and takntop. not thinking the suns that strong. oh man was I wrong, I have the most burnt legs and whats worse is the most absolute horrible tanlines. litteraly half my leg is red and the other white...its fantastic.

that night I spent with my super old time friend amanda who was leaving the next morning for New york again...damn. growing up. sucks man. everyone lives so far away. we ended up seeing a few more old friends and meeting up with them for a barbeque at the new bachelor pad. we sat around talking and laughing all night, trying not to burn things down and avoid the bugs...lol. all of our cheecks hurt...and that meant we lived that night. Its sad to know that It probably wont happen for a while again. we all get so busy and lose touch so easy. damn.

and today, easter. my family is not exactly traditional. however we are an episcopalian-italian family. so there will always be an early big meal, and a long ass prayer. heh. although, our topics of conversation include starship, gay marraige, mental problems, which family members in jail this month, drugs, alcohol, and stds...all the while mettalica playing in the backround. we really know how to mix it up. lol.

PS-I love my family. my daddy waxed my car and my mommy ironed my work shirt. I felt spoiled. lol.

then...work. damn.

even that wasnt so much of a mood kill.
despite the idiots.

all in all a thumbs up weekend.


love you-


I have an announcement: I have no idea what I'm doing...

Posted on 2006.04.14 at 21:26
Current Location: my own head
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: deathcab
(none of this is about any one person in particular, more so a chaotic jumble of everyone in my life at the moment. so dont assume. it gets the best of you and makes the worst of situations.)

Why do I feel like im running in circles...

ive been here before...



I dont even know what I'm waiting for.

nothing to do but think to myself...of myself.

of my flaws...

of you.

Ive been at it for years, its a cycle.

ive come to realize that at least.

i had an eiphany of sorts today...

In relationships...

I look for the one thing I hated most about the last guy...

and search for the opposite.

if the next guy has that trait...hes in.

im not quite sure this is the way to go.

I am not building on what I want in someone, im building on what I despise.

note to self...notice the positives.

I do something else i have realized, which I dont think is a bad thing, but ive noticed it recently.

with every guy ive ever been with, I have aquired or assosiated a band/music preference.

odd i know. but its very true.

im already doing it again.

but again, i am not sure this is bad.

I thought of the runaway bride and her eggs in comparison to my music/boy assosiation.

but the difference is, I know what I like, I simply accomodate.

I feel like im jumping and I froze...I dont really know where im landing...or if anyone will catch me...if anythings even there or if ill land flat on my face. but i guess thats a risk im taking. willing or not.

kind of like crowd surfing...but metaphorically...

i felt today as if i pushed everyone away...

I waited on you though.

guess not.


I guess i havent given up yet...might as well keep on trucking it.

ive put too much in to let go now.

there are only a handful of people I can say that about. and you, you are one.

im not sure if tonight will be made akward or not. well see.

were mixing alot of things here...it could be bad or great. well see.

I need to be looking for another job, this *should* be the goal of my week.

or passing my classes...

neither of which im doing.


I wish Ive found the cure for growing old...if only fall out boy would tell me all their secrets.

i cant decide if i want to jump forward or jump back, but i dont want to be here.

I want to see you today...

I have no idea why you make me smile like you do. but I like it.

And Ps *Jack* thanks for ignoring me...ive found that its exactly what Ive wanted all along. makes things easier on everyone I do believe.


of all the people calling and wanting to talk, I dont want to talk to any of them.

I need to talk to you.

and your the only one NOT calling...

I really dont know where I was going with this.

but to appoligize possibly.

Im a bitch.

a bit jaded.

and Ill try a little harder.

I guess.

well, if you read all that, and understood any of it. I love you.


sing to me

My ears are still ringing and I'm still smiling...

Posted on 2006.04.11 at 01:43
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Quebec-Ween
mmm Ween...


what a fantastic fucking concert...oh man.

and the company wasn't so bad either. :)

the whole crowd was actually really chill...I loved it.

even though there were a couple little mosh pit moments. I was "protected" though...lol

mmm so much fun.

I am officially a weener...heh.

as opposed to being a ween virgin, as i was so dubbed.

im so stoked still...


this could be a really good thing.

this smile should stick around ...I like it.




I try too hard to believe in fairy tales...

Posted on 2006.04.09 at 21:28
start with a positive...rebut with a negative...
just like in english class.
when I still went to english class.

I actually had a good day at work. I found myself not having to force a smile most of the time...which is 98% of the time not the case.
townsend taught us to jig..nad we all ended up dancing...heh. it was entertaining to me.

mercedes decided I needed to wear makeup so she did it.
I cant decide if I like it... or if I look like a hooker.
either way it was fun.
then I put underwear on chasity's head...and that was neat.
it made me forget that I wanted to quit for a day.
just one day.
we'll see.

so...no one I'm going to speak about will read this. so
if you dont give a shit...dont read it.
I cant really tell anyone about it...
so ill tell myself.
and the maybe 2 people that will read this. will probably get it anyways, and not mention it again.


1st rant-

If you dont know me...dont tell people behuind my back you hate me and we dont get along. we dont even fucking speak. I dont consider that not getting along i consider that coexisting. what I though harmoniously. but oh well. i dont need drama. grow the fuck up. youre not the shit, youre nothig you think you are. and youa rent worth my time.
so shut the fuck up.
cause no one else wants to hear it either.
and yes you didnt get tables for a reason.

Im not a whore. I am not a cheating whore. nor will I aid you in cheating. especially if you are now dating my friend. granted she stole you form me. but all the more reason to KNOW that I would never "steal" anyone "elses" man. she's yours now, deal with her. stop trating her like layaway to me. this whole thing is retarded. im here for you, obviously. but not like that. never like that.
get used to me not being sweetie...but being jenn.
just jenn.

rant 3-

i am trying so hard to forget you. all of you.
why the fuck do we live together! i wish I could up and move wiht out al of these fucking charges. Ive still yet to bump into him once. we are quite good at avoiding eachother.
I guess thats a plus of knowing eachothers schedules so well.
I still think about it all the time.
I still see it...
one image that has burned in my brain.
damnit. I wish "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was true. I wish I had a spotless mind. well parts. alot of parts.
I have made progress though, I have stopped constantly checking my peephole/window to see if you are outside, having fun, having a life, plotting against me. I dont really know what I ever even expected to see. something. anything. you.
im pathetic.

I want a fairytale.

I want two armed hugs and forehead kisses.

reading together before bed instead of getting drunk, and passing out.

I want normal.

I want a flower, just one...
picked yourself.

I want honesty. (that seems to be a hard one)

I want something that probably doesnt exist...

or doesnt want anything to do with me.


I was just informed that my best friend, (whom I actualy rarely speak to, but weve grown up togetehr and she was my first friend i can remember so we still have our catch up calls. I geuss thats part of growing up. ) well shes moving to california. normally, id say rock on, go where ever youre happy. but shes doing it purely because he new boyfriend is moving there. in june. quite soon. and this is awfully alot like the time that she ran away form home at 15 to be with her boyfriend because they were "in love" only to be arrested for being a runaway, and find out hed been cheating on her anyways. this is a recipe for disaster.
or maybe ive just grown to be a pessamist.

You know that saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger?"

well I'm fucking hee-woman.

cause im not dead yet bitches.

and on that note I do believe I am done.

no, i must end on a good note, as in any well written essay.

I do believe tomorrow will be a good day.



fuck the man...make it painful.

Posted on 2006.04.05 at 00:42
paying rent this month has been quite an adventure to say the least. i paid my other bills on time..no hassle. rent=due tommorrow.
415 for a shitty ass apartment on campus surrounded by dickheads, sluts and pathetic excuses for human beings altogether. needless to say i do not enjoy living here...and paying that much just seems to rub salt in the wound that much more.
*angry face*
so after paying my other bills. i have 10 in my account.
because I procrastinate regularly, i had built up 2 paychecks of a measly like 125...ish. and 50 for sa-ing. (thanks guys)
plus the hundred i had to borrow from my mother, which actually i have never done. but my paychecks were not cutting it for rent. so i sucked it up.
it all equaled out to like 440...but then i check my balance...389...WTF?
fuck you bank man.
take 50 dollars because some idiot at a gasstation waits a month to put somehting through! aghrhrhrhr!
i was negative 4$ and then charged 50!
so Im on e in my car...drive slowly to meet a friend who owes me for a concert ticket i picked up for her...
put it in...
still not enough.
kill me.
im just gonna pay it and pray they dont cash it till after i get my paycheck in the bank on thurs.
i need a sugar daddy.
although pulling through gives me quite a sense of accomplishment.
i can do it.
despite the man tryin to bring me down.
I feel as if I should break into song or something...

"how we gonna pay...how we gonna pay...last years rent.."

at least i dont have to worry about paying for one thing...
the masquerade...
wee for 80s night!
even just thinking of it makes me smile despite the man trying to bring me down lol.

see ya.

emo jacket

ok fine...

Posted on 2006.04.02 at 01:07
Current Location: my apartment...hiding from the drunks outside.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: deathcab
ok so I did it...I am now a blog whore. are you guys happy? this has quickly spread and I do believe we have an epidemic on our hands.

I had to define the word "jaded" today.
I found myself just saying "me"
over used, over exposed, over worked, tired, damaged...
i think that sums it up.
I have a doll that my aunt gave me one birthday that's name is "jaded jenny"
now that I think of it, quite an ironic memory.

I dont talk to that aunt anymore because she thinks I dont have values.
I have too many values for my own good.
I'm too fucking nice.
eye for an eye...no thanks, you can have my eye, ill stand here and cry with the one i have left.
and you'd think being so damn nice I should have it made...
Karma shmarma...
I should make it a goal to be a bitch at least once a day.
NOT let someone in in traffic, no you cant have my last cheese slice roomate, no I wont close for you whore!
I would probably never really do it.
but it felt good to do it in my mind.
I'll play it safe...as usual.